We Need to Talk

We need to talk. Whether those four words are coming from the person you're dating or your boss they rarely mean you're in for a cheery conversation. Difficult conversations are part of the workplace, and while not fun for either person, there are ways to ensure they are productive.

The biggest mistake people make is avoiding difficult discussions in hopes the issue will resolve itself as they fear hurting a relationship at work, says Tammy Lenski, founder and principal of Tammy Lenski LLC, a conflict resolution firm in Peterborough. But avoiding the situation, she says, does just that. Not letting that person know they are doing something that bothers you or others, or is disruptive, sets them up for failure by allowing them to continue the behavior.

Before you talk, take time to think. It doesn't hurt to sit at a computer or pen and paper and think about, what do I want to happen here? What is my intent? How do I turn this into a win-win situation as much as possible?' says Deb LeClair, a trainer with Platinum Principle Training and Development, LLC in Manchester.

Lenski says doing that can keep the conversation centered on goals. However, she warns not to think about everything that could go wrong and talking yourself out of having the discussion. LeClair also suggests being aware of your body language and tone-such as arms folded or hands on hips-to avoid giving an impression of being aggressive or closed off.

Bring Your Curiosity

Both Lenski and LeClair say it is important you bring your curiosity to the conversation-and not just for appearances. You want to understand the situation, LeClair says, explaining managers know only their piece of the situation or what a third party has told them. Lenski says managers need to spend more time asking questions and understanding the situation than trying to solve the problem. There's a 20/80 rule. We spend 20 percent of time trying to understand the problem and 80 percent solving it. It should be the opposite, Lenski says.

Most importantly, talk face to face. Don't try addressing difficult issues by e-mail, which instead of addressing the issue, can enflame it.

Intention vs. Impact

One key factor both sides must keep in mind going into a difficult situation is: Be open and don't make any assumptions. There is a difference between intention and impact, Lenski says. People will often assume the impact of a comment or action was also the intention-even if it was not. This is especially the case when there is tension between two people. The reality, Lenski says, is most people do not go into work intending to make someone else have a bad day. But misunderstandings must be addressed.

Deal With Emotions

Like it or not, emotions are a part of difficult discussions. It's important to acknowledge emotion and make it part of your plan, LeClair says. Think about what motivates this person. What's important to them? she says, as doing so will help to keep emotions from escalating.

If emotions do escalate, LeClair says it is sometimes best to take time to cool down and then reconvene. If you know going into the discussion it might get heated, select an offsite location, LeClair says to keep it on equal footing.

Get Buy-In

Whether you're initiating a difficult conversation with an employee, or mediating one between employees, remember you need people to buy into the solution. When people feel they are part of a solution, they are more likely to act on changes than if those changes are dictated to them, LeClair says.

Managers must also remember it's not helpful to constantly be the mediator, Lenski says. When we always try to triangulate, there are three problems for managers: It doesn't help with staff's professional development; you create a habit in them that they will always come to you when there is a problem, and at some point, it wears managers out. The better rule of thumb, she says, is to advise and coach the employees about how they should address the problem.

At the end of the day, the goal of tackling a difficult conversation is to change a negative behavior or situation into a positive one. It's not about being right. The bottom line is do you want to be right, or do you want the problem to be solved? LeClair asks.