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Handling Difficult Conversations with Skill

Published Monday Jun 4, 2018

Author Del Gilbert

Handling Difficult Conversations with Skill

In the 1990s, a woman reported to me who managed an Adult Day Health Center. At the time, we provided for six seniors even though there was the capacity for 40. From time to time I would ask her for ideas to increase the patient population.

She would respond with reasons why the census was so low. She talked about the lack of public transportation, the poor marketing and insufficient hours the center was open. One day, out of frustration, I said to her, “You know, you really have a victim mentality.”

She was insulted by the comment. For the next hour we had an emotionally draining, non-productive conversation. I suggested we suspend the discussion and take it up later when we were in a different frame of mind.

The next morning, she knocked on my office door. She sat down with tears in her eyes and a dictionary in hand. In an effort to convince me that she was not a victim, she read the literal definition.

I handled a difficult conversation poorly. I made the conversation much bigger and worse than it needed to be. What if I had simply asked, “Given the obstacles you are facing, what could you specifically do to increase patient census?”

Do you see how that approach is much simpler, more direct and constructive?

Most managers do a poor job of addressing poor employees or they avoid the conversation altogether. They are either too blunt and general, like I was in the example above, or they are too nice and indirect.

The reason is lack of training. Many managers are promoted from staff positions with little training to prepare them for their new jobs, which require a completely different skill set.

Many managers need help to step into these challenging conversations with confidence and competence.

The D-I-R-E-C-T Model
The DIRECT model can help guide managers through difficult conversations that lead to positive behavior change.

D stands for Describe the behavior . Stick with the facts. Describe what you saw or heard. Don’t generalize or label. Think of the difference between these two statements:

• You are constantly late. It doesn’t seem like you care about your job.

• In the last two weeks you have been late three times by an average of 10 minutes.

Keep the conversation focused. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be. Facts are most persuasive and least insulting.

I stands for solicit Input. Once you describe the facts, ask the reason for the behavior. The conversation should be a dialogue not a lecture. Frequently, employees will give a lame excuse or point to someone else’s bad behavior, but there may be a good reason. What if an employee has been late because their mother is dying, and they don’t want to leave the house until the hospice nurse arrives?

R stands for Remind them of the goal. Whether it is a lame or legitimate reason, it is important to remind the employee of the desired behavior. For example:

• It is important that you are here at 7 a.m. every morning.

• It is important that you are collaborative and easy to work with.

• It is important that you convey to our customers that they are valued.

E stands for state the Effect. Tell the employee the consequences of their behavior: on the customer, on the department, on the organization or on them. Many employees don’t see the connection between their behavior and its negative impact.

Be specific. For example:

• When you are late, you miss out on important information communicated in our daily huddle, and you keep customers waiting.

C stands for Collaborate on solutions. Most managers think they need to come up with a solution to the poor behavior.

That is up to the employee. It is their responsibility to own the behavior and make positive change. Ask the employee what they plan to do differently to improve their performance. For example:

• What can you do to ensure you are here at 7 a.m. every morning?
• What can you do differently next time, so the customer is pleased with your service?

T is for follow Through. Rather than just hope that the employee responds appropriately, it is important to follow up. Set a time to meet again to discuss progress. If the employee has responded positively, give them recognition. If the issue persists, it is time to turn up the intensity by explaining the consequences of continued poor performance.

If you feel an employee doesn’t understand the urgency of the issue, here is a great phrase to use: I need someone in this position who will….

• be here at 7 a.m. every morning.

• be collaborative and work well with others.

• consistently deliver outstanding service to our customers.

There is a lot of focus today on employee engagement, and employee accountability plays an important part. High performers look at poor performers as excess baggage as they often have to pick up the slack. If managers don’t candidly and professionally address poor performers, good employees will resent the unfairness.

Failure to address performance issues will also hinder organizational excellence. Team collaboration and customer service will suffer. One person cannot make a team, but one person can break a team. It is important for managers to step into difficult conversations with confidence and skill.

Del Gilbert is owner of Accelerating Excellence, a consulting firm, and he is a Certified Master Trainer and a Certified Leadership Coach. For more information, visit accelerating-excellence.net .

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